Who do you think you are?

Why do i have this undeniable urge to hate myself? Where is it coming from? Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to fear. The possibility of excitement waits around  every corner, and yet... these feelings remain. Everything is a temporary high, I always need more. There's nowhere to go, and I can't look back. Not now, when everything in front of me seems so easy and effortless. But what if that's the problem though? My past has always been a closet full of the nightmares of my being. with nowhere else to put them, are they breaking free of their prison to torment me once again? Is it possible that I can no longer keep my misdoings in my dreams? I can endure the nightmares and still thrive, but if they continue to dilute my day to day activities I fear I may not be able to keep these feelings bottled up. When my feelings fully surface, its never been beneficial to anyone. I know that its imperative to keep them locked away, but I think the problem is that this is building up. Eventually my subconscious will overload, and the lock on all that I have worked so hard to contain will be unleashed. doing damage to anything within a considerable radius. I need to find a way to stop this before that happens. Before I hurt someone I love

Questions

Is it there?
-maybe, only one way to find out
Should you go for it?
-I want to
is it worth the risk?
-Sure hope so
Well what would you say?
-The truth
...Is that going to be enough...

Baby Blue Eyes

The way the ocean looks and feels as the sun sets is impossible for me to describe to you for the obvious reason that words haven't yet been created with the capability to do that breathtaking sight any justice. Similarly, describing the feeling created by the simple occurrence of beauty presents itself as an equally daunting challenge. 

Beauty, like a snow flake takes on infinite forms, and is constantly surprising and comforting anyone in it's immediate presence. It could be something simple; such as a vibrant array of flowers with a sweet scent, or the view of the ocean as your feet glide through the sand and the water. For me it's the feeling you get from gazing into the eyes of the most beautiful girl in the world. Holding her, and feeling the beat of her heart right next to yours as the rest of reality simply steps aside and leaves you both in a world of desire and mystery that is completely your own. Nothing can possibly break this makeshift forcefield you've just constructed out of thin air, and your body becomes paralyzed. All you can do is return her seductive smile with a look of complete awe. Her baby blue eyes are nothing short of stunning. And they crash through your walls like a wrecking ball. But you want this. You want to give in to her. And you want her to be there with you as you fight off the world. Together you make a better duo than Batman and Robin, and there is no amount of material wonder that you would trade to have this girl and your future entwined. And you know it was those eyes of hers, those baby blue eyes. They promise you everything. All you needed to do in return was give her your trust.

That all-powerful state of complete peace and bliss that you're holding onto for dear life is the most beautiful feeling in the world. But this moment in time inevitably starts to fade back into reality and your eyes leave hers, you begin to realize the awful truth that this feeling is not going to be able sustain itself. The weight of desperation crushes any hope you had of keeping that moment, and then it's gone. Dashing away at its most intense and euphoric stage. You're left holding nothing but remnants of the happiness that had been created in those last few slow seconds, and the driving hope that you will experience this feeling again. But how long will it be before that time comes? How long must you seek out that feeling before being obliged? The feelings created by attraction are far more addicting than any illicit drug, and we are all helpless against its endless temptation. So you begin to try harder and harder to get that drug, that smile of hers. And even though her eyes have promised you everything you begin to realize that the cost of everything has the potential to eat you alive. All the sudden you feel as if the Earth's crust just cracked beneath your feet, and the incredible irony of beauty becomes very apparent to you. All the powerful feelings you worked so hard to maintain are now beginning to strangle you from within. And they continue to torment you until everything goes black. When your vision clears you find yourself right back where you started with the world resting solely on your shoulders. This is no big deal though. Carrying the load by yourself was never a problem before, but something has changed. You notice right away that the girl with the baby blue eyes is standing across the way carrying a world of her own. Having spent most of her life carrying a world much darker than yours, you know she is more than capable of handling it. But everything in your body wants to walk over and place her world right alongside yours. Because its now that you realize that she is your whole world. And because even though her smile shines brighter than any star, the slightest look of discomfort from those eyes of hers makes you cringe in agony. It's now that you realize that beauty has tricked you.  It has planted this idea deep in your head that she will want you to be the one that's there with her when she needs it most. The one to hold her up when she falters. Had you not been blinded by her beautiful eyes you would have seen this trick, and avoided the fragile situation that you now find yourself in. One glimpse of that smile of hers and it was over. Her eyes promised you everything and so you gave her your unwaivering trust. Well those eyes, those beautiful baby blue eyes, they lied.

Trust and Truthiness

Recently I have found myself wanting to be pushed more and more towards my limits. I've always thoroughly enjoyed a good challenge, but this is different. Because, as of late I keep picturing all these scenarios in which a great deal is asked of me, and I struggle mightily but end up completing what I had hoped to accomplish.

I thought long and hard about why we as human beings enjoy pushing ourselves so hard and this is what I’ve concluded. First, when we are pushed to our limits we find out so much about who we are and what we can truly accomplish as individuals. Secondly, the attention. I feel grateful whenever I have been given somebody’s trust. And I do everything in my power to protect that trust. The way I see it, if someone you're close to can't really trust you, how you expect that person to really take you seriously and respect you?

All we really want to accomplish in this life is something thats going to help our loved ones remember us when we've gone. It's often been said that you only get one opportunity to show everyone what you're made of. One moment that forever defines you're life. So then wouldn't it make sense for you to try to be prepared to the best of your ability to take on life's endless challenges? The way I see it you've just got to jump in the driver's seat, and make the most of life's rare opportunities. Make memories that you can be proud of, and Leave Out All The Rest.